My days at hostel.......part 1

Life in hostel is something that I would miss thoroughly. Miss because
its about time I be saying good bye to the place that has been my home
for the past two and half years. The place which made me live away from
my parents, my real home.

My father always wanted that I should experience hostel life. Or well I
wanted to experience it for once, as both my parents have been
hostellers for some or major part of their education. Always having been one
home bound person I never thought that I would be able to so comfortably
adjust in this new city, new way of life, infact everything new. Right
from the kind of food, to the subjects I was studying to the crowd in
college I'd be facing everyday, all was new. The food was bland,no
masalas added, missing the garlic the most in my vegetables. The subject
computer was something I was studying for the first time. The crowd
comprised solely of girls, something which wasn't so odd actually as even
though I'd done my entire schooling and graduation from coeducation
institute, my friend circle always comprised of girls and only girls. So
missing the guys wasn't an issue. But yes where there are only girls
studying the environment is different. The focus is too much on studies, on
competition. .

Well apart from the daily college life, the life here I'd cherish the
most is the hostel life, what we do after the classes get over, where we
return when the day ends, who are the people we dine with, share our
moments of joys and sorrows. Obviously one cant live in the hostel in
isolation. One has to gel. It cant be artificial. Yes having one odd good
friends here will suffice. But the more the merrier is what I think.
Well yes the more the merrier is not always true too.

My time in the hostel can be divided into phases, where I've gone
through emotional changes. I've not changed, the core me is the same, but
yes the way i'd express myself has undergone some change. Am no more
carefree, one has to think 10 times before uttering anything as I may never
know what I say may be taken by the other person in what sense.
Diplomacy is in.

I want to write more, but not now. I'd be leaving the hostel life soon.
I want some more time to capture truly in words the days I'd spent
here. One day when am gone and missing this place and companions, I think
that will be the perfect time to scribble down something of my days
here.

being dumped by best friends/loved ones.

Sometimes what happens in life is not pleasing, is not what we want to happen, but it happens and we have no say in it. We feel helpless, bounded by the circumstances. We break.

And then we just drown ourselves in tears and curse our miseries and question as to why it had to happen. And we dwell in the past and consider the various alternatives we might have taken to avert what has happened, how different things wouldd have been if our actions had been different. "if, only if" is what we crib and remorse. We hate ourselves for our silly mistakes, blaming ourselves for the things gone wrong. This is when we really dearly are emotionally involved in the things gone wrong and have no heart to blame the others concerned(, who still remain dear to us). We blame ourselves thus. And so we dwell in the past and seek answers to unanswered questions, questions which might always remain unanswered, "why? why did it happen, what made it happen? and being totally unable to get in terms with normality."

This phase might be marked with imbalance in behaviour, where on one side we try to bring together the peices of life, we feel were shattered and scattered and on the other side our return to our remorse, insecurity gripping us every now and then and again the "Why" question bothering us all the same. We try to do things which might help us forget, and we succeed too but any unprecedented event, word or just about anything might spur back to zero all our efforts. We cry.

We cry. Exploding to share, to get a shoulder to cry our hearts out. We are lucky if we get one such shoulder. If not, life's more tough mentally.
We even might try to change, ourselves. Finding faults in oneself for things gone wrong and then hoping and ensuring we dont do those things again, with anyone. But we do, nature as they say, its difficult to change oneself no matter how much consciously we may try. So we behave the same. And gradually we realise there actually is no need to change. Absolutely no need at all. We are good the way we are, we accept the way we are and others too have to accept us the way we are. They shouldn't try to change us. Never ever, and we are not going to change for anyone.

Gradully the wounds might just get better, not worse. Thank god.

So it will be some time till we come to terms with the present. And getting interms with reality now after what has happened. We move on, yes now and then again peeping back to past, dwelling there for a while and then returning to ourselves, until this peeping becomes infrequent. Until that happens, the emotional imbalance can't be said to have gone. And then its gone. This is when we feel free.

We feel free. We feel unattached. We feel unconcerned. We feel the burden gone, off our minds and soul. We get our lives back, our mind back, our smiles back. Its no more artificial.

We reclaim what was lost. Obviously the time lost cant be reclaimed but future is now bright and colourful. We can now shape it and be responsible for our actions, actions which were being governed by our sorrow, our inability to forget and move on, until now.

With the promise to ourselves that history won't repeat itself we look ahead to a newer life, new challenges, with no strings attached, no emotional attachments,
just sweet caring, & friendship. We owe ourselves this much, dont we?

Hoping you do one day find that forever friend whom you are always searching for,that you thought you found and then lost dramtically, I end this expression of mine with some lines, distantly, though still related to the context.

"When you are up in life, your friends get to know who you are...
When you are down in life, you get to know, who your friends are ....."