The Park

How quick we grow up..how time flies. It seems like ages when we live that moment... but years later its all but a flash of memory. A sweet memory of the childhood we once lived, played in the garden, made friends, went to school with the school bag full of notebooks of previous days homework and rushing to the bus stop to catch the early morning bus. Life used to be too simple as we see it now, but then when we were small it was the most torture some life any kid on earth could possibly be living. The daily ritual of getting up when the sun was still sleeping, brushing & bathing, packing the bags and polishing the shoes with the regret and promise to do that work before going to sleep every night but still ending up cursing myself for not having done so in advance. With mummy rushing to keep the Tiffin box she has made for us safely into our school bags before we rush out towards the bus stop with the prayer "oh God, please don’t let me miss my bus today... I’ll be up early tomorrow.. I promise".

Today when I see the children playing in the parks, I can't avoid the watery eyes and the little trickle of fluid from my eyes. Tears they call it. I can't stand to see the sight. I envy them to every atom of my existence. How small I was once to have ably slid down the slide. I dreaded the swings as much as I wished I was good at it. Heights take the day lights out of me.... when the swing goes up... my heart beat goes up and when the swing comes down , my heart sinks... & my brain goes dizzy. But still I was found on the swing at times... enjoying a gentle to and fro.

I have vivid memories of me and my mother spending the day at home. She would bake my favourite cake, my favourite cookies, my favourite chips, my favourite pickle, my favourite juices. Favourite coz those were the flavours first to be introduced to my taste buds. Mother's cooking is heavenly, made with love and patience and sprinkled with warmth and care.

The appreciations I got, the blunders i made, the friends I made, the friends I fought, the stories I read, the questions I solved, the pages I memorized, the drawings I made, the cartoons I watched, the cartoons I sacrificed for studies, the exams I gave, the marks I got, the games I played, the scolding’s I got, the cakes I cut, the blessings in got, the gifts I gave, the hugs I gave
to my teddy fleet and fed my family of 'Toys', the time I spent with my elder brother - fighting or making something creative(team work ), the efforts put in to get the 'Favourite' tag of the parents, the ice candies i ate, the ice candies I didn't ate to save the fiver for 'some other day', the colours I received, the joy of putting life to paper, the colours i dreamt to buy someday
standing at the art store and looking at the display, the visit to the optician, the trials for the new spectacle frame, shopping for a new pair of bellies, parting with my aged friend teddy and acclimatizing the new baby teddy to my kingdom - his new territory to rule, the visit to the railway platform, waiting for the train and then boarding it to move to a new city, unpacking
my carton to retrieve(read rescue) my army of four legged and two legged friends (teddy family, doggy family, He-Man and his team, Skeletor and his team), boosting with pride my elder brother’s collection of stamps and postcards and requesting friends to contribute for the same, my first cycling lesson, flying on the roads on my two wheeled companion and then unceremoniously bumping into or falling off until that eventful day when I gave up completely riding the bicycle, making friends, leaving friends, packing my belongings into the carton, selling off old books and moving out to a newer city and a new school.

I blink and I see the time gone by as I stand in the park. My ears are filled with the music of nature – birds chirping, children laughing, water gurgling from the water hose, the cling clank of the see-saw, the swish swoosh of the swing, the clink clink and thud of the slide. And then I am awakened to reality. I am working and earning today, balancing the personal and professional life, little time for friends and hobbies, and least time for reflecting on self.

Then a smile breaks across my lips. I know I will be back to the park. I will be rightfully spending time here. One day I will accompany my bundle of joys to the park. And then when am old and weak, the park will be my refuge from the boredom of my last days. Till then the park will have to wait.

Gibberish

I often have thoughts going on in my mind...thoughts which i wish to pen down and put to words ...one day. But when i open up the blogger to say something i find myself at loss of words...or rather...at a loss of thoughts...

Thoughts can't be forced. They come and go of their own free will. Controlling one's thoughts is said to be saintly... when you obtain divinity, there is internal calm and peace and brain stops wandering. But what about dear me, who feels...but is at total loss of words when have to express. Am not able to summon thoughts ...leave alone the other aspect of having control over their flow.

Its not that i want to force myself to think about anything so that i can write something to add to my ever 'never'-increasing count of blog posts...its just that ...when i get thinking i am no more able to catch those thoughts ... i don't intend really to catch those thoughts like i used to do earlier...by putting them down to words. Now i enjoy those thoughts ..that moment ...and move on with that sweet memory... in fact move on to create more memories based on further experience of life. I feel 'content' and peaceful. Don't know but all emotions and wishes and dreams and desires are diminishing along with my desire to put to word my emotions on this blog. I can stay silent for hours without thinking any thing much constructive or doing anything productive. I sit idle... or going about the set routine of the day with no attempt to make it different. Its not that changes are not appreciated by me. I welcome all changes and am fine-tuned to adjust to all places and scenarios because of the transferable job of my dad and the regular shifting of home.

Home. Another thing i have personally realised is.... There is no place like home. This is universal truth but i have come to this conclusion myself only now. The distinction between 'home' and 'house' is getting clearer day by day and gives me creeps. Unfortunately i am currently living in a ' house' and my 'home' is miles and miles away.

THANKS

Thank you for all the encouragement I got here.
I shall no longer be blogging.

Bbye and keep smiling always :)

in sync

I have often been queried of my belief in the Almighty. And I say am an Athiest as I don't believe in idol worship. Probably why others ask this question is because they themselves are confused, or their faith has been shaken; or so I feel.

I believe that as long as one exists, his actions should be guided by good intensions in mind. The results may go awry, but the motivation behind those actions should be pure.

But the question that haunts me today, has me in delima like the egg and hen question is mystery of the human brain and heart. Whether God is there as the supernatural power; i don't know; i can't predict; i can't prove; i can't observe.

But what i can see and experience is the heart and the brain in action.
We the humans are the creation of evolution; its my belief; and many others do agree.
We are creatures of the earth; we have evolved so much so that we have a conscience. We no more rely for our survival on our instincts alone- instincts that guided us in our early-man days to a present day properous society with intellect.

The human heart, overwhelming with emotions has me in awe. The amount of activity going on inside the human's brain; activity in the sense of thoughts is incredible. In a matter of few seconds we have gone over so many rounds of flashbacks, surveyed the surroundings, made decisions, as a part of our thought process.

INCOMPLETE. TO BE CONTINUED.

Scattered.

The contents of this one particular post have been deleted. They are not required to be here. However am glad that I did find a friend Harsha through the very same blog post.

Thank you Harsha for your encouraging words. I'd be there for you, and I appreciate and value your presence too.

Retrospect

Its been more then two weeks since I have left my college hostel and that city. Student life is almost on the verge of ending. Technically. But the ongoing process of education continues throughout ones life time. I would be joining the job soon and earning my bread and butter. There too would be no escape from books. Books and technology follow you everywhere. In whichever field one may be, one has to be in touch, keep onself updated.

When I look back now at the time spent there at hostel I have mixed feelings. I dont miss it. But yes memories are there. Yesterday night I was sleepless, and I heard on radio some of the songs I hadn't heard for days, some which I would listen to regularly in my room with my roomies, songs which have some memories and sentiments attached, some instances attached to them. Its nostalgia. But isn't it too early a time to feel nostalgia, for I was there this past month only.

People who formed a part of my social circle still live there. I dont know if they remember me, I mean miss me. I dont think so. Neither would I wish that anyone miss me.

Let me start with the beginning of year 2006.
All was going to change for me forever in this year. I dont think I would like to remember the events of year 2006, but still I have lived through this one year and have memories too, which I terribly wish to forget but I get weak sometimes and feel helpless. People say that I am pessimist, I dont enjoy life in true spirit, I get tensed, am too emotional. True they may be and its not that I am not aware of the flaws in me. No one is perfect, neither am I. And consciosly I am forever trying, sincerly trying to overcome them, these behaviour patterns in me as friends put it that keep me from moving ahead. Yes self improvent is what I aim for today, and have consciously tried to overcome the obstacles that I saw, the flaws in me.

Labelled a shy kid since kindergarten days, I grew up on one side trying to explore my little world, getting lost, too adventerous or reckless should we say. Yes I would get lost at times, not exactly lost, I would just be too confident and set off on my own trail. But parents were so pampering and cautious that I never got the kind of freedom to do all the stupid and great things I would want to do. Stupid as they would seem to them, and great as they would seem to me, the little one. With time the restrictions increased, I didn't realise it. But I realise it now. I know the big bad world is out there. But is it only waiting for me?? Am I really at risk and really is staying at home the solution to all my problems. Am I really happy indoors.

I know where I lack. But awareness isn't enough. Neither is the will power enough. Its the parental consent which matters the most here, in everything I have to do. They give the nod then only can I move ahead. Feels sickening sometimes, can't even do silly little things without their approval or acceptance. But they are parents- they have the right and they do care.

One arena where my parents have nevered bothered to have their say is in Academics. I studied whatever I wanted to, I did whatever I wanted to. I dropped science and chose commerce, they didn't mind. I dropped commerce and chose maths, they didn't say a word. And then I dropped maths and again took computer science, no word at all. It doesn't really matter what I do it seems. I have come a full circle, back to where I started....and that too a long way.

My days at hostel.......part 1

Life in hostel is something that I would miss thoroughly. Miss because
its about time I be saying good bye to the place that has been my home
for the past two and half years. The place which made me live away from
my parents, my real home.

My father always wanted that I should experience hostel life. Or well I
wanted to experience it for once, as both my parents have been
hostellers for some or major part of their education. Always having been one
home bound person I never thought that I would be able to so comfortably
adjust in this new city, new way of life, infact everything new. Right
from the kind of food, to the subjects I was studying to the crowd in
college I'd be facing everyday, all was new. The food was bland,no
masalas added, missing the garlic the most in my vegetables. The subject
computer was something I was studying for the first time. The crowd
comprised solely of girls, something which wasn't so odd actually as even
though I'd done my entire schooling and graduation from coeducation
institute, my friend circle always comprised of girls and only girls. So
missing the guys wasn't an issue. But yes where there are only girls
studying the environment is different. The focus is too much on studies, on
competition. .

Well apart from the daily college life, the life here I'd cherish the
most is the hostel life, what we do after the classes get over, where we
return when the day ends, who are the people we dine with, share our
moments of joys and sorrows. Obviously one cant live in the hostel in
isolation. One has to gel. It cant be artificial. Yes having one odd good
friends here will suffice. But the more the merrier is what I think.
Well yes the more the merrier is not always true too.

My time in the hostel can be divided into phases, where I've gone
through emotional changes. I've not changed, the core me is the same, but
yes the way i'd express myself has undergone some change. Am no more
carefree, one has to think 10 times before uttering anything as I may never
know what I say may be taken by the other person in what sense.
Diplomacy is in.

I want to write more, but not now. I'd be leaving the hostel life soon.
I want some more time to capture truly in words the days I'd spent
here. One day when am gone and missing this place and companions, I think
that will be the perfect time to scribble down something of my days
here.